2 posts tagged “girls”

The title of this post is actually the title of a book by American author, Rosalind Wiseman about 'helping your daughter survive cliques, gossip, boyfriends and other realities of adolescence'. 

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence

Rosalind Wiseman

My daughter, V, is not yet an adolescent but has been having problems on and off with a particular Queen Bee (let's call her C) since starting at her new school approximately 18 months ago.  C is a very tall and attractive girl who is quite popular with the teachers and many of the girls.  She seemed to develop a dislike for my daughter last year, I suspect because my daughter became 'too friendly' with some of C's minions, one of whom is the daughter of a good friend of mine.  She would tell V that she was 'annoying' and 'wasn't allowed to play' with their group of girls.  V used to get upset aboit this exclusion but then made another good friend, H, who was completely apart from that group. 

I was a bit concerned this year to hear that C was in my daughter's class while all the minions and my daughter's friend H were in other classes.  However C seems to have decided that she would be nice to V this year (much to V's amazement "It was if nothing had ever happened last year").  Yesterday V came home crying again and said that not only was C excluding her from the group but had also managed to turn H against her.  I had a word to my friend and she spoke to her daughter who told her that C had told them all that she didn't like V because V "talks too much" (FFS!).  I suspect that the real reason is that we had one of C's neighhbours (a lovely girl who is quite capable of standing up to C) over to play on the weekend and it has got back to her and she is seeing V as competition again.  It probably doesn't also help that V was awarded 'Student of the Month' by their mutual class teacher last month and is generally well regarded by most people at the school. 

As tempting as it was to let V stay home today (I am home with the flu myself), I didn't think that was going to help her.  My husband and I explained to her that C is probably jealous of her and that the only reason she has any power over other girls (including V) is that they let her have this power by going along with her when she decides they are 'in' while someone else is 'out'.  I suggested she stay right out of it by playing with some other girls who are nothing to do with this group (I know from things like party invitations that V does have other friends even though she claims not to) and letting C see that she has no power over V.  I am sure that if she does this, then the others, especially H, will come back soon enough. 

I thought about talking to C's mother myself but suspect that she is actually part of the problem as her other daughter does exactly the same kind of thing with girls in her class (my friend's other daughter is one of the main victims in this case).  My friend who knows C's mother quite well also said not to even bother talking to her as there is no way this mother will hear anything bad about either of her daughters.

I also didn't want to go to the teacher about it as really I don't think there is a lot they can do about this kind of "sneaky bullying" at this age. 

I think it is probably a hard but necessary lesson for V that you can't change anyone's behaviour but your own.  Hopefully developing this resilience now will help her when she does reach adolescence and this kind of thing ramps up even more. 

I really hope I am doing the right thing.

V embroiled in a tiff with her on-again-off-again best friend H.  Before Christmas the mother of another friend of V's (who is also a friend of mine) and I talked about taking both lots of kids to Luna Park before school goes back.  Without consulting me (and unbeknownst to me) V got on the blower to H to invite her to come along too.  She then asked me if H could come and I said no because we were going in the other friend's car.  Realising she had been hasty with her invitation, V rang H up again and UNINVITED her.  Not only is H upset but I suspect her mother is as well.  When dh rang the mother yesterday to see if H could come over and play today, she said that H was 'too tired' to come over.  I sent the mother an email last night (was too late to phone) explaining what had happening and re-inviting H to Luna Park (even if this means we have to catch public transport to get there).  Haven't heard back so suppose I should follow this up with a phone call today (as much as I don't feel like doing this).  V also feels very bad about it and even offered to let H have her place in the car and she would stay home.  If only she would THINK before opening her mouth (think she takes after me in this regard so can't blame her too much)! 

The_Scream